i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
