You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
