i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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