I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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