You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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