I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
