my phone needs a breathalizer
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
