Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
