I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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