I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
