I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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