I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
