Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
