Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I know her cup size but not her name....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
