I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
