According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
