Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
