I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
