no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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