when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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