...so i touched it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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