Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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