I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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