I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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