My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
