Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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