after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
