the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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