She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
