I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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