i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
