I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
