I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's never too late to be topless.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
