I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
