Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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