I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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