He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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