Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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