Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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