Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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