im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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