my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
