I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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