I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
