I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
