I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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