Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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