My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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