I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
