I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
