I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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