yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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